Today’s post comes from Maui progressive activist Mark Hyde, who, it turns out, is a skillful satirist as well. Read it and weep (laughter and tears).
By Mark Hyde
At the hysterical urgings by my dear friend, colleague and alter ego, Mr. Hyde (whose sanity is in doubt), I submit to you my preliminary findings from a recent medical exam conducted on the patient known as South Maui. As they say in medicine, knowledge leads to understanding which leads to healing. This report is written in that spirit.
My usual fee is waived.
The patient has waived H.I.P.P.A. rights to confidentiality; the information contained herein can be shared.
With respect,
Dr. Jekyll
cc. Mr. Hyde
The Report
1. Constipation
Colonoscopy results show considerable blockage along major digestive tracks critical to proper body functioning. As a consequence, the patient and family are precluded from carrying out normal daily activities and their quality of life has been degraded. Even out-of-town visitors to the patient’s sick bed are aware of the situation – no special instruments needed – with some voicing avoidance of the patient’s island of residence as the best way to maintain their personal health.
State medical professionals responsible for community digestive health have proposed what some consider a radical and untried medical intervention: implantation of a circular device into the main bile duct to create a kind of spin cycle not unlike that of a washing machine. Other experts have suggested the need to bypass the circular bypass to facilitate non-vehicular coming and going. The location of such a secondary bypass, over or under, is currently under discussion – years late.
Given the unique features of this case, malpractice and personal injury lawyers are said to be lining up to sue should these unique interventions result in serious injury or death to members of the patient’s family. “Russian roulette” is about to be played with our youth.
2. Diverticulitis
The patient has developed multiple diverticula off the main bile duct (with another diversion now in the making in the form of the the circular device mentioned above). This has resulted in episodes of infection and flareup, complicating the patient’s overall health.
[While not a diverticula per se, an x-ray of the patient’s toro has revealed the presence of an anatomically aberrant independent zone of bile producing tissue completely disconnected from the patient’s digestive tract. Being a matter of first impression, we’ve named the mass “Maui Meadows.” This tissue may contribute to the patient’s brownish, heavily sedimented and malodorous urine noted in section 7 below. Short term, a colostomy bag is recommended. Longer term, attachment to the bowel should be performed.].
The standard of practice in these cases is to place the patient on a “clear diet.” The chance of that happening here is slim to none given the reality of existing man-made massive local area traffic.
South Maui development has knowingly proceeded well beyond the capacity of the area’s infrastructure despite (1) clear language in community health directives calling for area development to proceed only in stride with infrastructure capacity and (2) over- arching community planning principles calling for Smart Growth. Further discussion of systemic failure is beyond the scope of this limited medical examination but should be pursued.
Diverticulitis runs in the family. Dairy Road, related to the patient in the first degree, was recently diagnosed with severe and persistent paralysis due to morbid urban sprawl. Professionals declared the patient’s condition “terminal,” issued a “do not resuscitate” order and placed the patient under hospice care. Then, using Dolly the Sheep cloning technology, Ho’okele Street was created in its image. Unfortunately, Ho’okele is now showing signs of blockage and degeneration.
Einstein warned about doing that which did not work in the past to solve current problems. Good advice, particularly when some in positions of authority over the patient have advocated for a Dolly the Sheep Hail Mary solution: build a new bile duct mauka of the existing community’s roadway system (a la Ho’okele Street) perhaps even in an endless succession of mauka highways as each new duct becomes clogged, until reaching the top of Haleakala.
3. Heart Disease
The key problem here is simple: the patient’s heart is difficult to locate, yet having one is essential to life itself. Transplantation, as some communities have done in the form of sports stadiums and arenas serving as a stimulus for revitalization, is not a likely option; growing a heart using modern technology is a possibility. Placement will be important to overall bodily function and presents a significant opportunity for major gains in patient vitality.
4. Poor Circulation
Beyond aortic functioning, restricted circulation in the extremities and limbs is noted. Good vein communication is necessary for carrying life-giving oxygen and nutrients throughout the body, yet isolated streets and neighborhoods persist. With exercise and dedication to complete streets + completion of the “bypass road” (aptly named – see comments re Dairy Road above) circulation can be significantly improved.
5. Bad Diet
The community’s mono-diet of tourism is unhealthy, the opposite of the recommended “food pyramid.” As a result, free radicals have been found lodged in neighborhoods where they do not belong, wrecking havoc on the native population and damaging the community’s sense of well-being. A purge is recommended.
6. Anxiety, Frustration and Nervousness
The patient reports suffering from anxiety, frustration and nervousness. Many of the reasons for this are found in the discussion above. Infusing tranquilizers into the public water system is not an option. Smart growth and good government are prescribed.
7. Analysis of Urine
A urine sample was collected from near shore waters. Significant amounts of pollutants and sediments were found far exceeding levels previously detected. The sample appeared brownish in color, containing multiple pathogens above public health standards and was faintly malodorous. Oddly, Axis deer excrement particulate were found in great quantity.
[The presence deer poop in the patient’s urine is beyond the scope of this report. That said, the environment in which the patient resides clearly poses a hazard to overall community health. Despite multiple task forces created over several decades to address the situation, these administrative bandaids have been completely ineffective – although, perhaps, providing political cover for elected short timers.]
Conclusion
The patient’s health is poor, in decline, and showing signs of ossification. Near-term collapse is possible. Immediate hospitalization is recommended so multiple interventions can be undertaken to address the maladies listed. Without this, further decline may result in significant disability and, potentially, total civic paralysis.
Because the particulars of this case are so egregious, a new health care team is highly recommended. The team should immediately develop a patient-centered, comprehensive update to the existing plan (Kihei-Makena Community Plan) using the best information available in modern community planning thought, and reject the failed policies of the past that have gotten us to the current state of being.
